I’m not where I’d prefer to be emotionally
not with God
or how I feel about myself
I’m not satisfied with the progress I’ve made
progress is a slow process
yes
still
feel like I’m kind of a mess though
scared to open up
never mind asking for help
I can help myself
with the best self help book out
to guide my revelations

I’m wondering about him
that mysterious him
an ex
a lover
of a time heavy laden with insecurity
I wonder if he’s in a pause
if he ever paused
or just kept moving
forward
without thinking
– taking a second
to think of me –
has he considered texting an apology
tell me all the things I need to hear

sensitivity is tricky you know
brutal in the way it chips away at you
cutting to the core
hardly moving beyond raw
deep breaths
sullen sighs
tossing and turning
only gets you so far

maybe this is grief
finding its home in me
coming in waves
opening its arms to me
because it’s easier
to think about the boy
the boy that broke my heart
over the boy
who might never grow into a man
who might breathe his last breath tonight