Loving you means letting you in, something I’m afraid to do
I’ve always been afraid;
Of letting the doors open just to have the wind blow in the dirt
Of jumping off the cliff because I don’t know if I can swim so well
Of screaming because I’m not sure if anyone will hear or would be willing to listen
Of looking in just in case I don’t like what looks back at me
Of leaving my bags behind just to carry yours which could be heavier –
When I’m afraid of the weight of my own bags

Loving you means letting you see;
letting you see all the ugly scars that I hide so well behind a mean mug and some lip balm
My face is a portrait of pain and you know this, you see it
better than most ever have or will
You see it when you look at me even when I’m hiding it because the truth is,
I can lie about a lot of things but the bitterness of my past shows itself naturally
As if it’s become engraved in my skin
Tucked between my pores like pimples ready to bloom
My lips hold just behind them, the untold tales of the cries that have left my mouth
And the chokes that accompanied them
This you don’t know because with you it’s different, I smile
And a whole lot more on the inside, this I didn’t know.

Loving you means letting you hear
And if you have time, you can read me like a book to understand the story
But it would be easier if I just told it to you;
every page
every word
and every letter
Like an audio book
But mostly so I can edit some parts that are too much to share
Because it is not a Disney story
Let me warn you, this is definitely no fairytale but it is worth the read, or at least pushing to the end

I can make all kinds of excuses as to why I don’t want to commit to this, to you
Well it’s because
I’ve always been afraid;
of letting the doors open just to have the wind blow in the dirt,
Of jumping off the cliff because I don’t know if I can swim so well,
Of screaming because I’m not sure if anyone will hear or would be willing to listen,
Of looking in just in case I don’t like what looks back at me

I’ve been afraid to lay my feelings out in the open or even conjure up those feelings to begin with
only for you to decide that you would rather be upright than lay there with me
I’m afraid of letting it all go for the wrong one
Loving you means letting you in, something I’m afraid to do.