Tethering off the edge of myself
There are so many things in my head
I wish weren’t mine
Memories of sex
Induced by alcohol
Extended bouts of lost control
In rooms and backrooms
In cars that were never mine
Bodies of people I couldn’t describe
Moments in time where
Nothing
No one
Mattered
Too bad.
Even today
Untangling days with months
Years with fronts
Lies I told to get my way
Now a ship has sailed
Floating in the ether
Somewhere in space
Vast and endless
Detached from the spread
A feast I prepared
To appease the gluttony
Of more
Better
Something easier
To keep undetected
The truth that
I’m still attached to this body
To all of those places
Suddenly I’m faced with
A daunting reality
How much
I don’t love me
Always working to fail
Reaching onto rails
Hoping I’ll bail
Head first onto
The sharp side of a brick
So as to
Die
Quick
On impact
I’m sick
– like –
What’s the point of fighting
Again
The sun will rise
And I may have survived
But tomorrow
I’ll lose
Or maybe the next
Who cares
Its stress
It goes away
Anxiety and self hate
That shit stays